Goodbye my Lover
by Vampire-Jesse
Summary: Sometimes it is fast and angry. Then the dragon of the dead planets calls out for you, and I take my lightsaber and go to war for you.... ObiWanAnakin.


My story is called **'Goodbye my Lover'**.

**Pairing:** Obi-Wan/Anakin so it is slash, of course.

**Rated: **? R I would say

**Summary:** Obi-Wan's reflections on his love and life with Anakin.

**A/N:** Kind of written to/around the lyrics of the James Blunt song: 'Goodbye my Lover'. Somebody made a SW vid to/with it and I thought the lyrics fitted perfectly well. Pretty sad, fluffy little something, mostly Obi-Wan's POV.

**Thanks and dedications: **I thank the wonderful Oni Ishtar for doing a great job of beta reading in such a short amount of time! You rock Hon! This is for you and my Pika because she ask for it, LOL.

* * *

**Goodbye my Lover**

_It may be over but it won't stop there,  
I am here for you if you'd only care._

I am on higher ground, my Anakin. You heard me I am sure and still you did not. I offered you all of me, not only my help; I defended you because I thought I was right.

How could I believe that you would walk over to the dark side and away from me? You owned my heart, myAnakin, not only my body. I loved you and you threw my love away, betraying what we had and me.

How often have I told you that I am here for you? To give advice, to keep you away from suffering, to refresh your spirit as much as I do you body?

I was here for you when you needed an outlet for your frustrations; I always welcomed the pain at your first harsh trust, maybe even more sometimes then your gentle touch afterwards. That may be over after all, but it will not end here. I will not let it end like this. I cannot and one day, we'll meet again. You might hurt me at first, but in the end you will be mine again.

* * *

_You touched my heart you touched my soul._

I didn't want to become your Master, my Anakin. How could I when all I had known, had loved with all the living force was taken from me so cruelly? He chose you over me, my Anakin, how could I forgive you that?

And then in the night, after the funeral, after my Master became one with the force, and the Jedi council allowed me to train you as my own Padawan, you came to me.

I was on my back, almost loosing myself in my grief and the fearful emptiness about what lay ahead; Still, not a single tear left my burning eyes, not one sob would leave my throat to relieve the aching pressure, and not one move of my finger released the unbearable grip, which held my heart in a stony fist.

I didn't hear you, didn't want to, but you simply crawled into bed with me. You put your tiny arms around my neck and pulled my face close to your chest.

"Can you hear my heartbeat, Obi-Wan?"

Yes, I could. It was the wild singing of a caged animal, beating furiously against the barriers, which kept it restraint. I heard its painful cries and they echoed in the painful breaking of my wings against my prison of sadness.

"You are not alone, my Obi-Wan."

_My Obi-Wan._ I cannot tell you how often I heard these endearments coming from your sweet little mouth afterwards. But it was then and there that these words broke through the walls around me, reached for my heart and touched my soul. And all I could do was cry in your sweet embrace...

* * *

_You changed my life and all my goals._

You are the chosen one, my Anakin. My old Master always knew this. I admit, I couldn't see it at first, but by the time you had grown into a strong young man, I silently agreed with Qui-Gon.

When the Master became the Apprentice and how the Apprentice became the Master? I cannot tell.

One day you were bigger than me. One day you were faster than I was. One day, you beat me. Not in the fight, not at all, my Anakin. Well, you saved me a few times, but you never beat me.

I showed you that rules were not to break. You showed me that we could bend them a little to suit us better.

I taught you that some things are better left unsaid, showed you how serious life can be. You showed be how to laugh and that life could not be _that_ serious.

I helped you grow up and become a great Jedi knight, but you helped me become a better man while you grew up, my Anakin. Being at your side helped me to become a greater Jedi than I ever could have ever been without you.

* * *

_And love is blind and that I knew when,  
my heart was blinded by you._

Jedi are not allowed commitments. It makes them weak because they might fear for the ones they love. And fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate, and hate leads to great suffering.

How did I fall in love with you, my Anakin? I certainly don't know, but I can tell you why I fell for you. You were strong and you were getting stronger every day. Your heart was full of trouble but it didn't make you weak. You were beautiful, in a manly, handsome way. You carried this sense of pride and grace, and showed it in every step you took, every look you gave, every smile you shared.

Since I can remember you had this attitude that we herd sheep, we fly space- shuttles, we lead people. Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help being attracted to it.

I loved you more and more each day. How could I let this love become a shadow over my once so clear vision of the force? How could it tempt me so much I would have believed every single word you told me? How could love make me that blind, my Anakin?

* * *

_I've kissed your lips and held your head._

_Shared your dreams and shared your bed._

You strain against the force, which is firmly holding your hands in place. You struggle to become part of my passion, struggle against me. You are bashing your head from side to side, trying to deny me your pleasure.

But wasn't this your dream? Be at my mercy, under me, giving your strength to me freely so I can hold it gently in my hands and lead you to a place you cannot reach without help?

I grab your face with both of my hands, holding you in place while I devour your lips with mine. While I probe deeper into the warm cavern of your mouth, to taste you and find a connection I thought was already there, we already had.

My body moves within the force and inside of you. Pushing you from shivering to uncontrolled trembling and beyond. My own need is screaming for relief but I am not willing to achieve it until you reach out and step over into oblivion first, my Anakin.

And when you finally take this step, I am at your side, becoming one with you and the force before our desire becomes even stronger than that.

* * *

_I know you well, I know your smell._

I know you, my Anakin. I know how to calm you down when you are upset, I know how to bring you down after you reached completion, I know when you get out of breath and how to touch you to bring you there, I know how to inflame your senses, for battle and while making love, I know where to push and to feel and to lick and to kiss.

I know how you like it, my Anakin. Deep, fast and hard, guiding me inside of you by baring your soul to mine. And slow, gentle and caring, even deeper inside of me while I offer you mine.

Aah and your smell. I know, I know for sure that in twenty years I will wake up to an early morning with your scent surrounding me so strongly, I can almost taste it. Spicy and strong, manly and sweet only uniqueness could combine.

* * *

_I am a dreamer but when I wake,  
you can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take._

I dream of a world where we can be together, every day and always. Where I can love you without being ashamed of what we do. A world where I don't have to fear what might come, where I won't loose you. A place where I won't fall from heaven and shatter into so many pieces that even the force cannot mend me together anymore.

I dream we can always be together, without tasks waiting to be done or orders to be followed; A world without darkness pulling you towards the point of no return; A world where I don't have to think about if I might follow.

I have a vision of my dream being torn apart from me. Soon. But isn't the future unsure to be foreseen? I pray I am wrong.

But if not, if my vision will come true, I'll have to accept my dream world for what it is.

A Dream.

One I never want to wake up from, one I will embrace with all of the living force, as long as it lasts. One I will always look back to, one I will always remember, one I would never wanted to have missed.

* * *

_I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile._

Remember how you cried, my Anakin, the night before your big test? I knew which demons where hunting you and I told you over and over again that leaving me as a Padawan would not take you away from my life. I pledged my heart to you and all the love it held, just to dry your tears.

You passed the test and then I was in tears. I was so proud of you and at the same time, my heart hurt almost to the point of breaking. What if you decided to leave me? You already did, just a step, when you let Padme cut off your braid and she was allowed to keep it. Wasn't this my duty as your Master? My privilege for standing at your side day by day?

I went early to bed that day. No meditation could keep my thoughts from running.

But in spite of all the troubles in my mind, I must have fallen asleep. Something woke me up, a strong shift in the force, and then you were over me, with a smile as bright as both suns over Tattoine. And it was then, only then, that I could smile with you my Anakin.

Because I knew I would always be a part of you. After all, I had pledged my heart to you and such a rare thing is nothing you would take lightly.

* * *

_I've watched you sleeping for a while._

I see you beside me. The pale glow of the moon touching your face with milky fingers, brightening up all that I love.

Your full lips I love to kiss.

Over and over, for hours until the night fades into broad daylight with its brilliant colours and the rush of life coming, refreshing the force after a good night's sleep and our never-ending love for each other.

Your eyes with those long beautiful eyelashes now closed in peaceful sleep.

I can drown myself in these eyes. Never caring about pain, loss or threats, as long as I can just look into your eyes and see what I need to see: Your love for me.

I see your broad chest.

Your breathing is even and slow like always when you are in deep slumber. I cannot stop myself from touching your skin; feel the muscles play underneath the silky surface. It astonishes me again and again how much you've changed, how fast you grew up. I still remember the scared young boy curling up in my arms until he finally went to sleep, held safe within my strong arms. Now it is me curling up in your strong arms, simply loving the feeling of safety.

I reach out with the force into your heart. I don't have to see what is in your mind when you sleep. I know when your dreams are pleasant or when you are having nightmares. I can tell just from the beat of your heart.

Sometimes it is fast and angry. Then the dragon of the dead planets calls out for you, and I take my lightsaber and go to war for you; Or it beats like it does now: strong and even, relaxed, in the same rhythm mine does. For you are me and I am you and we are one.

* * *

_I know your fears and you know mine._

Don't we all fear the same things?

Showing weakness when we need to be strong?

I remember the day, four weeks before my 13th birthday. I was supposed to fight in front of my hopefully soon to be Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Show him how good I'd gotten, that I was worthy to become his Padawan; And I failed. Because I was weak enough to get myself in trouble when I needed to regain strength for the next important morning.

Living up to expectations people have in us?

Yes, we need to give our best especially when we are Jedi knights. Fulfilling the duties and chores given to us as well as we can and better. We need to be an example of the living force itself. Strong and bright, ever present, help those who suffer and defend those who are doing evil.

But aren't we the ones who expect ourselves to always be a step above the rest?

We cannot save everybody because we are only human. We make mistakes, we can get hurt, and yes, we can die, because even stars can die.

Do we need to show courage in the face of danger?

Yes, oh yes we do. I'd give my life willingly when I know I can save at least one person. And I jump death right into its ugly face when I can save you. I'd love to die in your arms just like Qui-Gon did in mine only to see you unharmed my Anakin. I will become one with the living force and see you again, no matter how long it will take. And if I fear to leave you behind, than I show courage again in the face of death.

Because courage is fear holding on a minute longer.

* * *

_I cannot live without you._

Never really could. I counted the weeks and days and minutes, even the seconds we were apart, every time you had to leave me or I had to leave you.

Now I know, even when my heart has disavowed it, that you have left me forever.

_Hope dies last_; who can say such a thing when they don't believe it to be true?

I know what you've become, and I as a Jedi, I cannot believe in such a thing. But still, my heart tells me to believe. There will always be a ray of light, of hope, until they prove me wrong. Until that day, I wait.

* * *

_And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep._

My hand is in yours Anakin. Our fingers are entwined. I can feel your warmth, I can feel your strength, I feel your soul and the beat of your heart, just because of this small connection we hold.

And I feel strong. I feel warm. I feel protected, but mostly I feel loved. Just from the touch of your hand around mine.

I crave this feeling more than the living force, I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I like to fall asleep embraced in this feeling; I like to wake up to it; I like to feel it all day long, the entire year, for the rest of my life. And if I die, I hope your fingers are entwined with mine so you are mine and I am yours.

* * *

_And as you move on, remember me,  
remember us and all we used to be._

The mask is lowered over your now scarred face. I wonder if your last thoughts in this small moment before the lights are replaced by darkness are with me. I wonder if you'll remember me and you, and what we were. Will you remember how we used to be?

Moving as one when we were attacked, back to back, your lightsaber as alive as mine; Moving as one when we made love, one buried so deep into the other that we couldn't tell where you ended and I begun.

Fighting each other, with words almost as powerful as a blow from our lightsabers, cutting and hurting sometimes but always fair.

Fighting each other to bring the other death. You were my brother Anakin, how could you betray me like this?

Now you move on, and so will I. In different directions this time, and I know you won't share the pain with me. But I wish deep in my heart that you will remember me one day when we meet again, in another time.

* * *

_And I will bare my soul in time,  
when I'm kneeling at your feet._

"I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again at last."

I've been waiting for you too, my Anakin.

What a bittersweet reunion! I can feel the energy field created by all the living things. It is unutterably powerful. It surrounds us and I feel it penetrating us, and as much as it binds the galaxy together, the bond surrounding you and me can't be opened by anything but love or death.

I know you die to bring me death but I can feel something else inside of you; Very deeply hidden, securely locked away in the deepest part of your remaining soul. Something I longed, hoped to see again one day, and today is that day.

So I lift my old lightsaber, the one I used many times in sparring against you, I bow my head just lightly in acknowledge and respect, and when your strike falls, the one you think will bring me death, the one I know will make me one with the force; I open my heart once more and bare my soul in time.

To save you.

After all, I am the Master, my Anakin.

_Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me._


End file.
